only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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