Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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