i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
