is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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