I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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