There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
