That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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