y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
