my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
