i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
