i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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