May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
