The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
