you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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