My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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