i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
