i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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