she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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