I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
