Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
