just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize