I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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