She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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