so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
