If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
