I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
sarcasm needs its own font
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm like, not good at living.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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