The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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