so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
