apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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