i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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