Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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