and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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