Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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