i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
