3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
