Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
