goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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