cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize