I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
