Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life