She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
