Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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