i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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