I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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