My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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