apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
