Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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