Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We are all done wearing pants today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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