Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
