It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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