if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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