Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
