I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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