I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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