i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
