Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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