Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
