I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
